how to turn oranges into lemons

the following is a true and accurate story.


my feet did tread to the store, to purchase some yummy vittles for the fam and myself. my first stop was the fruit, and i had my eye on a bag of navel oranges. tranquil, sweet...delicious.

the first bag i did grab, i took a moment to assess the quality. then, while extending the bag over the floor to place into my cart, the entire bottom split open and consequently showered out the entire contents of the bag onto the floor. those beautiful orange spheres, rolling about in mad drunkenness around my splayed feet, under the cart, and into the aisles.

looking about, with my legs slightly askew, the girth of my belly shadowing about them on the floor, it looked as though i had just birthed these oranges. i stood there betwixt the mangoes and limes, a bewildered looked on my face and a veritable orange grove of thudding and rolling obstacles round about.

i picked them all up, as any good shopper would do. heaved a sigh and grabbed the next bag of oranges.

i inspected these, of course, prolonging their flight from bin to cart (and in hindsight i should have taken heed of what had just happened seconds before--and really, what WERE the chances). then, just as before, as i was about to place them in my cart, the bottom of this bag, too, so gladly spilled its contents onto the floor.

had i not already created a display before, i was sure to have audience now.

i suppose it could have been worse. grapefruits perhaps. those would have produced a much louder thud and drawn more attention.

one bag of oranges remained. i looked at it for a few seconds. dare i tempt the gods again....?

i bought lemons instead.